Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
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