why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize