I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
