he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
