Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
