On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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