Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
