I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
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