a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
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