i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
