Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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