My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
organizing the empties. That sober.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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