No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
