woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
