My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
