I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Randomize
