I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Randomize
