I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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