I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
