i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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