Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Randomize
