i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
