I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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