when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
