mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
sex in a hospital.. check
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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