He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
