I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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