he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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