just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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