The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Randomize
