I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
