We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Randomize
