your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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