I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
