he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
