i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
