I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
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