genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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