You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize