The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize