I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
