I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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