This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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