hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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