Redeem this text for a blowjob
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
This baby is an asshole
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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