I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
