Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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