Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
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