At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
