I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
