....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
We need to rekindle our bromance
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
