I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
