There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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