I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
3 2 1 whiskey
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Randomize
