I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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