I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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