My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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