He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
