After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
